I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
