new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
