I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
