best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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