my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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