Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Boobs are out for the taking
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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