Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
