it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
