There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he thought i was a dude.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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