I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
