Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
