Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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