I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
