i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This girl is more easily done than said...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
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I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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