I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
