You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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