I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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