he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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