I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
