Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
