he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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