im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
