end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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