That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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