I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
