I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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