He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
