I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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