Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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