don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
