If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
