i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
