I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
