Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
