Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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