i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
