we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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