My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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