they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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