Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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