i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
