Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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