Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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