Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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