Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
