i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
