Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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