Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
