and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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