I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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