I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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