i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
