My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Randomize
